Part of me hates to admit that it’s come back to this, but I think my anxiety issues have reached a level that I can’t manage myself anymore. I first really considered I had…how do I say? issues last year and ended up seeing a therapist. Eventually I got out of a crappy situation, an isolated town and moved to Indianapolis where I had significant improvements with stress.
And that is still holding true for the most part. But this last month I’ve really let my stress go unmanaged and it is starting to affect me in ways I haven’t seen for the past year. Part of this is just due to a project at work I am trying to finish by the end of the month (ok, most of this), and part of this is due to lack of time (and sleep) I have at home doing regular things since I spend my evenings at the hospital. Surprisingly I don’t feel too much anxiety about Scott’s surgery and current recovery. I felt plenty before it happened, but now that the surgery is complete, was generally successful, and his recovery is going relatively smoothly; I feel totally at ease about it.
Mostly my stress and anxiety is affecting my running. I feel tired, I feel nervous, I feel doubtful. And I start comparing myself to other runners, to Scott, to fabricated ideas of what I should be doing in my head and I just. can’t. deal. And I start thinking I can’t do it. And then I don’t do it. And I prove that I’m right.
This really isn’t making running that fun.
So right now I am just trying to get back to a place where I enjoy running. Maybe I don’t worry about my pace anymore. Maybe I just run as a way to reduce anxiety, not increase it. I’m not sure. I am disappointed that I can’t seem to figure it out on my own.
I was sent a link to something called “just shut up and run” but I couldn’t even read it. Because I can’t just shut up and run. I know it should be that simple. But having it explained to me why I’m doing it all wrong just makes me feel worse about myself.
I say all of this as I am at work, on Saturday, in running clothes. So we’ll put this experiment to the test right now. I’ll just… go for a run.